I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
