I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
