So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's never too late to be topless.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
