I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have fence marks all over my body
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
