Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
