i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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