the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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