i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She announced her abortion via fbk
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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