In America we eat man semen.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
