I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
