my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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