his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
