I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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