do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
