You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
