chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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