WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
