You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
