my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
