i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
