You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I have fence marks all over my body
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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