Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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