maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
