fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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