He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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