then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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