I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
