I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
