we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
