I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
