I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
