bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I smell stomach acid.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
