she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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