I accidentally had phone sex last night
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
