i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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