Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I want to be your penis for a week.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
