I'm so fucking centered right now
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
