The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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