there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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