I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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