she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
