I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
