New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
