Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
