dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
