I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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