Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
