tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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