We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
