Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
