you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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