I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
