dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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