let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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