you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
