I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
