im having a threesome with these popsicles
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
