Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
