She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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