I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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